A Poem Called “Institution and De-Institution of Life”

Institution and De-Institution of Life,

by theamazinJ

My knowledge is useful,
my life is pure,
my feelings are genuine,
‘normal’ is my misery,
my own normal is a companion,
my trope is believable,
I am a Human being,
I am sanctioned,
i am golden,
I am not your inspiration,
I lead by my own life,
by the way I am,
by the way I am,
even after surgeries,
even after medicines,
even after accommodations
for accessibility in this world,
I am blind,
I am sightworthy,
I feel difficult
in a marginalizing life,
I am refutable,
I am open,
to all open things and bodies,
I close at the open,
I open at the close,
I am a vibrant movable body
moving up and down
through the door,
through my seclusion,
through living through isolation,
though it doesn’t have to be that way,
It does not have to be isolating,
it does not have to be that mind-set,
It’s something I have to furiously open
on my own with or without leaving doors closed,
without or with closing on me,
with or without closing on you,
Life is like that!
so, it is time for a bunch of tears,
so, it is time for a craving of me,
and time to show that
regardless what or who the person is,
it’s about what humanity really is,
and it’s about being the ideals of what we are,
because in the end,
we have to accommodate others and be accommodated for who we are,
and finally,
if we don’t do that
we are nothing and wind up with nothing,
so it’s all about what we want,
and it’s all about who we are,
to generate everything
in the institution of life
and the de-institution of what we want society to be for life
as a whole,
do we work on being who we are?
or, do we have to work on what society wants instead?
and, do we work on what we believe?
or, do we work on how to work with other people’s beliefs instead?
so it’s all that we have
and all that we need to work on
to live the life we get
and the life we hope for.

A Poem Called “A Serene Beautiful Path”

A Serene Beautiful Path,

(A poem inspired by many readings I have read all throughout my life. I started writing this poem when I read Merri Johnson’s Girl in need of a Tourniquet and Bram Stoker’s Dracula this semester at CUNY SPS.)

by theamazinJ

My humanity is there,
I set off to the goal,
I pain, I hurt, I erode
through sudden Goethe,
I deserve the ending,
I sacrifice the beginning,
I figure my mind.
I liberate my flamboyance,
I continue to the
connotation of trials,
of tribulations of
the non-binary world
which is really binary,
of everyone in motion,
love is darkness,
love is spiritual,
love flips houses
to go, to out, to live,
I sacrifice my mind,
I feel the inner monster,
I live the outer inner body
of humanity,
monstrous,
man,
woman,
person,
person?
Person!
I am a person,
being virtuous, being good,
being a good guy,
being a good gal,
being a good person,
being the body of dense creation,
my creator made me,
he made everyone,
I am not understood,
my good intentions of bad moods and emotions.
I love animals,
I love my love,
Is there really a normal?
What is normal?
Compulsions of normal,
acting on you,
disliking on me,
fairly with justice.
Deviating toward death,
WHAT IS DEATH?
WHAT IS LIFE?
Death, Violence, Deviant, or NOT,
disgust or whack,
Dracula,
Dracula,
Dracula,
Beetle BeetLe BEETLE
JUICE JUICE JUICE,
Everywhere I go,
Everywhere I look,
I see my future,
I find myself in the present,
I walk through the curtain,
I rise from my chest,
and I have a past in the background.
Everywhere I go,
Everywhere I see,
Everywhere I want to be,
It really is the light approaching from the darkness
in the distance,
and everywhere I go, everywhere I look,
AND EVERYWHERE I HIDE,
I SEE my dreams becoming REALITY,
I SEE my life BECOMING A THING!
I SEE that NOTHING WILL STOP ME!!!!
BECAUSE I am going to SUCCEED,
I AM GOING TO do what I WANT,
I AM GOING TO WORK ON MY OWN,
building my CAREER,
building my CREATIVITY,
BUDDING my LIFE into reality,
AND LIVE THE LIFE I WAS MEANT TO LIVE.
Forget about darkness,
forget about what you think,
forget about your thoughts,
BECAUSE the only thoughts that matter
are the thoughts IN MY HEAD,
and support ME from that.
It’s probably what Bram Stoker meant,
or even the Girl in need of Tourniquet needed,
or what Audre Lorde needed,
or even what Ron Kovic needed as Born on the Fourth of July,
It’s all about living until our last breath,
and it’s all about living and ENJOYING every minute of it
with EVERYONE supporting each other WITHOUT telling or saying anything,
because we all have our OPINIONS,
WE all have our SEPARATE BELIEFS,
AND WE ALL HAVE WHAT IT TAKES
to do what we WANT and NOT what OTHERS say.
Nothing about us, without US,
I say, I say.

A Poem Called “Autistic Rage”

Autistic Rage,

(Written after reading the article Blind Rage, in response to Helen Keller, by Georgina Kleege)
(This poem is something that is in the works for a poetry anthology I am doing for class for my masters program at CUNY. I am working on doing annotations for each part of this poem that requires an annotation which is why there is numbers associated with certain lines as well as 4 other poems I chose to annotate as well. I also used gender neutral pronouns so as to not identify. Since my natural tendency in writing is short bursts of words rather than longer sentences from my own Autistic language which is my own Autistic Poetics and my professor likes that. And, I will be filming this poem this week for my non-credit film class.)

by theamazinJ

My feelings of disability 1
come from the distinction of an honor,
but to many a tragedy,
from the way we see people generally,
to the way we converse,
from Kanner’s views of autism,2
to Asperger’s views of psychopathology, 3
to the beauty of movement
from the ideas of Tourette’s4
spilling out my gut,
without my insincere moment,
from the way Elephant Man5
physically felt stigmatized
and ostracized to the
way my moment of
my life lives.
To the way I fill the moment
of my influence,
to the moment of
how the intersection of
autism and Tourette’s
go hand in hand
even with dyslexia6
with the acts of disability
in American culture.7
My life is good,
stop and wonder,
my life is good,
I don’t care what you say,
I hurt,
I pain,
from your misunderstandings,
from your lack of empathy,
of your arrogance,
of your immaturity,
of your future of me one day,
when I surpass you.
I hurt,
I pain, I forgive,
I forget,
I argue,
I say,
Get Out,
Get Real,
Get images,
Get going,
I am me,
So get the hell out.

My disability of autism
is interesting.
My disability of anxiety 8
is a swirl of energy and rage
to be controlled.
My disability of movement
makes me move differently
than I am and you are.
I move with ease.
I move with fluttering hands and feet.
I fly my hands in the sky with flapping,
I shadow my feeling in the darkness.
I crawl into a hole.
My disability is discomforting.
My disability is not accepted.
I feel over anxious from
the already anxiety I feel
from society.
I feel I don’t love who I am
because I am not accepted
under this social standard, 9
this social construction society created, 10
and under every one telling me without
supporting me.
And, if I don’t want to be told,
that I am not supported by anything.
It’s control.
It’s life giving me serene beauty without
touching the beauty.
I love things, I love animals,
I always and sometimes love people.
I feel conglomerated
by society by the people
around me.
I need to be forgiven for I am,
yet, everyone wants
to change me for who I am right now.
I am, right now.
I cannot just be
I cannot just do
I cannot just say
I want to say
I want to do,
but in reality
i am unforgiven.
I am forgettable,
i am not working
like the way
They is worthy, 11
or
They thinks is worthy,12
or
They thinks they is the Queen,13
or
They
notes them and with pride,14
or
Them
exacerbates who they is
in a low key manner,15
or
They seems better
but really is not,16
or
They moves in to build peace
but cannot really17
or
They talks about sex
but takes it too far18
or
They passes with ease
causing more pain,19
or
the way Them projects who they are,20
or
Them uses their anger to shell out to others,21
or
They thinks the world revolves around them,22
or
how they thinks they can speak with AAC
even saying how proud they are of autism,23
or
even the way they takes on
how others feel and does not know their own,24
or even the way they attempts to
say Autistic men are more likely to be pedophiles
from an article from 2013,25
or how they thinks they can find causes
which they thinks can take away the pain
and cure autism even though that just
causes more pain in order to pass
and not be real,26
or even the way the anti-vaccine movement
thinks they knows everything, but knows nothing.27
or how every Autistic leaders feel,28
or autism researchers think about Autistics,29
because Autistic or not, I feel
humanity is real,
but humanity sucks
from the way we are all judged,
but humanity is not normal,30
and normal is done,
normal is succinct,
normal is seemingly joyous but
with eagerness to feel pain,
to feel suffering, to feel like less than,
but most importantly
feeling jerky,
feeling like a marshmallow,
feeling geeky,
feeling like I don’t belong
and everyone can move me
in the direction they want,
and my anxiety soars everyday,
every night,
and cannot stop
because everyone tells me and
no one wants to be told
and no one supports, but support is
good is better and helps a person
achieve self-determination,
achieving identity of largeness in my hands,
my long legs ache, my arms are in pain,
and I just feel like embarking on something special
as every other human being
is special, is unique,
and not more, not less,
and a part of the life
we live today.
It’s the way Neurotribes was written31
and even with In A Different Key,32
because Autistic history is real33
when it is really
the history of the Human race.34

(Happy Autism Acceptance Month 2017!)

The poems in order will be :

1) Autistic Rage poem
2) I am not retarded poem
3) I open at the close poem
4) Tyrant and Martyr poem
5) Poem of Apologies

(Now each poem will have annotations based on the readings I read this semester with other readings (books, articles) I have too.)

A Poem Called “I am not retarded”

I am not retarded,

by theamazinJ

I can think for myself,
I have a mind of my own,
I am a Masters student,
I am a filmmaker,
I am an artist,
I am a poet,
I am a person,
I am not less than what you think,
I am an independent citizen,
I need support like everyone else,
I am capable even though I am disabled,
disability does not mean I am hidden from society,
disability does not mean I cannot say “I am disabled and proud”
disability does not mean my voice does not matter,
disability does not mean I can’t do anything,
disability means I need to structure my supports
and build a supported decision making agreement
between my supporters
as myself being the decision maker
like you and you and you in the world.
I disagree with people
as much as I agree,
I do not agree with you on some things,
but I agree on other things,
and that’s okay.
I can speak out on what I believe and feel
an that’s ok because it’s how I feel
and it does not mean
I am too easily influenced or ‘brainwashed’
because being ‘brainwashed’ is not even a thing,
it is a social construction, it is not even real,
and it is figure of speech of
someone’s imagination to make a person seem crazy,
to make a person feel disregarded as a person,
and to not allow a person to take responsibility for their choices
even if the person felt at the time
to choose something for their own self-care,
even if it was for their own way of
making meaning with the world,
my own way of growing and maturing
and doing things on my own,
to get to an understanding of what
I can do without the world telling me otherwise
as if I need to always be told
as if I am child and not the adult that I am.
Presuming competence is so important,
it is so liberating for everyone
because the social model of disability
is not about discrediting medicine,
it is about self-determination
it’s about de-stigmatizing what the medical model did,
so disabled people make their decisions
and using accommodations even it is from medicine
to help a person live their life,
even if they need other accessibilities
to do this as well,
even if many do not understand the
social model of disability,
that’s ok, but please don’t discredit it,
don’t discredit an individual’s right to make decisions
based on how they may feel at the time,
allow leeway in may be taking responsibility
for why the individual chose that decision at the time,
may be it wasn’t all about the individual’s behavior
maybe it could have been the way
the individual felt from the behavior
of the people around them.
Relationships are a two way street.
Everything that happens is never one sided,
it is never the fault of one person,
everyone can always take responsibility for
every decision that is made by an individual.
There is a reason why things happen,
and sometimes that reason needs to be known,
sometimes the reason is projected on the decision maker
because the other people don’t want to
feel bad or don’t want to know they might have done
something wrong.
There is never what someone did was wrong
like there is never what someone did was right.
Every decision we make is something we did
from how we felt at the time.
Everywhere we go, every decision we make,
are decisions that may have been
tough for us to make,
but it was decisions from our path
to help us grow,
to help us mature,
and to help us further our destiny
to live our life.
Every decision an individual makes
is by how we felt
and whoever was around the individual at that time
including the individual
who needs to take responsibility for that decision.
Take responsibility for yourself
and most importantly take responsibility
for every other person as a decision maker
regardless of who the person is or was
even if person is disabled or
even if the person is non-disabled.
It’s not all about you or them,
it’s all about the decision that was made.

A Poem Called “To Please Yourself is to not think of anyone else”

To Please Yourself is to not think of anyone else,

by theamazinJ

It’s my life,
and no one else’s,
it’s my life,
even when people disagree,
it’s my life,
even if anyone disagrees with me
my whole life too,
it’s my life,
I choose things in my life
for a reason,
as an activist,
as a person who is
committed to human rights,
disability justice,
self-determination,
and with the rights
everyone has of supported decision making.
As a person who
does not like
the way the world is today
from the many discriminations
and injustices that are serving
everyone living today.
From the ideas of
the way society uses
the medical model
to hurt so many people,
and the way
everyone hurts,
not everyone understanding each other,
that because of this
there is disability culture
separate from non-disability culture
and because of this
I saddened to know
that from the two different cultures
not understanding each other,
universal design is not realistic,
and too ideal,
because there are
too many non-disabled people
who think of only themselves
and there are
too many disabled people
that are angry about this,
that can this war over words
really end?
can this war over words really end?
The war over words,
eventually leads to violence,
eventually leads to a tougher life,
and eventually leads to
everyone learning the hard way.
Our lives are good,
as human beings
we have the ability to love,
we have the ability to understand each other,
we have what it takes to serve justice for all,
but many do not want justice,
many are too complacent,
too complicit,
and many just want to live in LaLaLand,
while many just want to think about the medical model
without considering life
and what living life really is like,
even when someone gets a diagnosis,
even when someone seeks surgeries
for that diagnosis,
or even alternative treatments.
Some of these treatments
are imperative and can be fatal if not treated,
while other treatments
are a choice from the person, the individual,
to live their life treated to
live under the current social construction
as who they are without seeking to pass,
or live their life different than who they are
choosing to seek treatment to
pass and please people in society.
Everyone has their choices to make,
the ultimate choice is,
please yourself or please others,
and whatever you please,
there are consequences and rewards,
you just have weigh in on
the choice that best fits your life,
but remember this,
even when you are anxious over this decision,
asking too many people what to do,
and not relaxing and letting things happen,
you still must please yourself regardless.