by theamazinJ
Everyone stole my trust,
Everyone stole my dignity,
Everyone played a game with me,
Everyone led me on,
Everyone influenced me,
Everyone influenced everyone who cares about me,
Everyone lied so much about what is really true,
as I gave my power away to too many people
for far too long,
and have taken it back
from a lot of pain I caused myself,
everyone denies everything
they ever said,
no one knows how to take responsibility
until it is the moment they really have to,
and that moment for me is now.
I take responsibility for listening,
I take responsibility for causing the pains of so many,
I take responsibility for choosing to allow everyone to rent space in my head,
as I kick everyone’s voices and ideas
out of my head and out of my mind
from my whole lifetime
to just be left with my thoughts
and no one else’s.
As I do what I want to do with my activism,
and as I apologize so dearly and sincerely to a great lot of people,
including to my family.
Everyone is a good person,
with their own envy,
and with their own anger.
Everyone took advantage of the situation
leading me to think everyone is
a soft spoken angel
who does no wrong.
The truth is, no one is an angel
and we are all growing to be angels
eventually when we cross over.
I caused pain from my anxiety that became so severe
that I triggered many people
that I made so many think about there past traumas,
and use all that to help me leave,
to help me get away to try to start a life on my own,
but it was not right,
it was not responsible,
and I needed to settle things
rather than run away like a mouse,
I needed to walk away like a man.
A man with my dreams, my vision for my future,
and do what I need to do for myself.
Though, wound up not good,
it created a devastating effect in my life,
causing tremendous pain,
even though it was an experience I had to experience,
while learning so much a long the way
taking in many gifts as well as tremendous pain
from the anxiety that led it all on,
it is true that ‘anxiety is a killer’
because it really truly is,
a person who lied to me
took advantage of me
as I am an Autistic person,
as I am a disabled person,
and too many people think he is right,
too many people think that his word is golden,
too many people think they are more like god,
however, they are only human,
and can lie, and lied too much,
leading me on, leading my family on,
and leading too many people on
for far too long still today,
for good reason though,
since this man who is human
and imperfect like anyone else,
thinks they are perfect,
thinks they do no wrong
even in this situation,
and never knows how to take responsibility.
I respected everyone for a long time,
I respected everyone and gave everyone power over me
my whole life,
even though I had the power all along
to take ownership of myself,
as I started finally to take my power back,
a while back,
to believe that
everything I know and everything I believe,
is not a facade, not a hoax,
and was never ‘scrambled’,
it is just my own thoughts and ideology,
as one person said: I take things literally
from things this person says to me,
even though, I take things literally
because I am Autistic
and that is part of what makes me whole,
and makes me a good person,
yet this person is jealous of me too.
as I have a lot of potential,
as I am becoming a leader,
as I am a leader,
as I lead my own life,
And, as I can subside the bleeding,
I can heal everything even everyone around me,
but it will take time,
a lot of precious time,
as I apologize to everyone
one by one,
as everyone I need to say something too,
and hope everyone can finally take responsibility too
and apologize to everyone they ever caused pain to
and denying everything,
and just acknowledging their responsibility too,
their identity, and their anger.
Some people are blind to their responsibility,
and some are blind to acknowledging their anger
from their own jealousy.
I just know the only person who
can take responsibility is myself,
the only person who can apologize
is myself,
and I cannot convince anyone
to take responsibility,
I cannot convince anyone
to apologize,
I can only convince myself.
so, in doing so,
I apologize,
I apologize for listening to everyone, but myself,
I sincerely apologize to everyone
who I caused pain to
from my anxiety
choosing to give in to my anxiety
from the way I felt,
from the way I chose to leave,
as I took it to an extreme,
and not relaxed my mind
so that I can think logically
and solve the issues I needed to,
logically in order,
because in the end, I do love everyone.
I am Autistic and I have so much potential,
I am Autistic and I am a human being,
and this was a setback,
a major setback
because of my anxiety.
I had been not generalizing situations,
and looked at specific things too much
that others took advantage of,
and those specific things made me upset
especially with my anxiety,
and I have grown as a person,
I have tremendous growth I have grown from,
as a disabled adult,
as a disabled activist, artist, and scholar,
and I have grown to become
the Adult I can teach my children one day
from the wife I choose some day to marry,
and some day I will be a great husband to that woman,
a some day I will be a great father
because I have learned a lot
to teach everything I learned in my life,
from the experience I needed to experience
to grow,
but first I need to do a lot more in my life
to further my career and skills,
and eventually find that special person
to complete me in my life,
to make it all happen the way I always wanted.
Because in my life, I care deeply,
I love so easily, and
easily give in to anxiety all too well,
that ruins relationships too easily
needing to remember that
everyone has agendas,
everyone is jealous,
and that we cannot trust so easily,
we have to critically analyze
what people say sometimes,
to come to our own conclusions,
remember everyone cares about us,
remembering everyone makes mistakes,
remembering when people con us,
and how much love we can give,
while we need to
be comfortable in our own skin,
take ownership in ourselves,
our identity,
the things we like,
the things we want to accomplish,
the things we are good at,
the things we are weak at,
the things we love about life,
remembering why we have a good life,
and take responsibility in everything we do,
because in the end,
it is the choices we make that matter,
that affect everything and everyone around us,
everything that happens is in our choices,
and we have to remember
to love thyself,
to embrace those who care about us,
to build community without creating walls
and without burning bridges with anyone;
because finally,
it is our life to live
for our own self-determination
in our own self-direction we want in our life,
and advocate for ourselves for what we want in our life,
without being jealous,
without feeling anxiety too much,
letting go of ourselves to reach our goals,
learning from other people,
learning how we can cope with anxiety,
and for that I do sincerely apologize
to everyone even if it is hard
to forgive me, I do sincerely
say “I am sorry”.