Tag Archives: acceptance

A Wild Journey to Acceptance

Hi Everyone,

(TRIGGER WARNING: There is noted talk of mental health crisis in this post)

I know it has been a while since I posted on this blog. It has been a long time because I am finishing my Master of Arts in Disability Studies at CUNY School of Professional Studies this Spring Semester 2019. I also turn 40 years old this year. I have been through a lot since 1997 to 2018. From that whole time which is a 20 year lifespan, I made a lot of stupid mistakes in my life, was very naive, and even went through 2 psychiatrists during that time. The first psychiatrist during that time of the first 8 years was a complete mess and utter disaster which caused the beginning of a living nightmare for me.

During the second half the 20 year lifespan, was seeing a different psychiatrist to try to stop the living nightmare from occurring. The living nightmare continued unfortunately until very recently in October 2018, when it started to subside and ease more and more. Now, I have to clean up everything that happened from 1997 when I first started my undergraduate schooling to October 2018 and take responsibility for everything. The best thing I can say will help me through this process is finishing my capstone to complete my Master of Arts degree in Disability Studies.

One of the things I learned in graduate school at CUNY is that I learned the process of coming up with my own ideas and learned that I don’t have agree with everyone while certainly I don’t even have to disagree with everyone either. I just have to come up with my own ideas and add to the discussions that are already happening. I also learned what I want to do with Disability studies. A strength is to use my knowledge and passion in Disability studies to use media like film to create media for the public to understand the message. I even made my first movie in 2017 when taking a noncredit class at School for Visual Arts in digital filmmaking. I met a friend from School for Visual Arts who is an actor to help me film it. It is on YouTube and this past summer I went to Joey Travolta’s Film Camp in New Jersey where I met someone to help me caption the film. I also do other things too with the paintings I make and the poetry I write as well.

Yet, I also have to learn from all the mistakes I made from 1997 to 2018 as well and there were too many of them. From being too adamant about choosing an undergraduate major as a Freshmen right out of high school to being too ashamed to admit a medication that is used for OCD caused me to be suicidal in Spring 1998. I told medical professionals I was hallucinating because I was too naive and thought telling that sounded better.

I actually did The Moth at the JCC Manhattan for the 2014 Reel Abilities telling my story in less than 5 minutes about my path to autism acceptance starting off with the experience from Spring 1998. It didn’t make it past the dress rehearsal. However, The Moth and the other participants, thought I should have done the final performance telling my story. However, it was the decision of Reel Abilities to choose who they wanted for the final performance. Everyone else loved my story. So, they never chose my story.

Anyway, from Spring 1998 to October 2018, I started on a whole lot of medications that literally distorted my thinking and created a living nightmare. When I finally left the first psychiatrist who started this, I saw a new psychiatrist in 2005 to this present day who wanted to change my medication all that time. This new psychiatrist confirmed what I know now that I am Autistic. However, it took him until October 2018 to change my medication to a different class of medication when the living nightmare finally came to an end.

One can only imagine all the stupidity and mistakes that occurred from 1997 to 2018. However, one can also know the positive things that happened too. I also learned recently since October 2018, sometimes when people see positive changes in the person who starts to feel good about themselves, those people don’t like it especially when they see the person who feels more positive no longer gives their power away. Hence, we then learn who really cares.

Many of the things I did in that 20 year lifespan, I wish I could take back and change, but I can’t. Instead I have to move forward with my life experiences from those 20 years taking the good with the bad. Every experience I had was a learning experience and it was the path I needed to go through whether I like it or not. Whatever experiences I will have in the future from this day moving forward, I will be ready for gaining the wisdom from those past 20 years and never go back to rehash any of those past experiences. They were just experiences I needed to go through to get to the present day.

As I move forward, I have to say that my experiences in graduate school has given me the opportunity to grow tremendously. I even did an unpaid internship as an elective during Spring 2018 for the New York City Mayor’s Office for People with Disabilities (MOPD). I learned so much from the Commissioner of the MOPD, Victor Calise and his whole staff. From that internship, I impressed so many people.

When I put the internship on my LinkedIn account after the semester was over, a connection I had for like 10 years or so, saw it, and emailed me to interview with him. The workplace was very close to where I live and is at the local independent living center. I interviewed with this independent living center and now I am working part time there while I finish my Masters degree. My last semester in graduate school I will be busy doing a lot of reflecting and creating the project I want to do for my capstone. When I graduate this May to receive my Masters degree, I will remember that it will be something I earned and will be proud of that I finally did something for myself without any influences from anyone else. As a professor once told me too, no one can take that away from me.

I will also remember where I came from during the 20 year lifespan that wound up being a living nightmare for not only myself, but my family too. I just need to remember it was the past, and now I can move forward. As I move forward, I can only remember how much I wanted to start graduate school, but couldn’t start right away. So, I took an undergraduate disability studies course at CUNY that the professor teaching it was very impressed with me, and helped me to start my graduate program by writing a recommendation for me to become a Kennedy Fellow for my first semester in graduate school. I can also remember something my professors told me during my first graduate semester at CUNY, to always think broadly and it is okay not to be perfect. I will always remember that. Now, I am a Kennedy Fellow once again as I finish up this degree.

It has been a long journey to get to this point with the new medication and I feel happy.

J

A Poem Called “Unfollow the Leader, Follow the Underdog”

Unfollow the Leader, Follow the Underdog,

by theamazinJ

Unfollow the leader,
Unfollow eugenics,
Unfollow the leader,
Unfollow evidence based and non-evidence based,
Follow your own research,
Unfollow research for causes to change DNA and genes,
Unfollow sterilizations,
Unfollow people who see only problems in people,
Unfollow the leader,
Unfollow those who don’t want to work as a team,
Unfollow the leader,
Follow passion,
Unfollow money and power and greed,
Unfollow the leader,
Unfollow inspiration,
Unfollow martyrs,
Unfollow people who create martyrs,
Unfollow bullies,
Unfollow Donald Trump,
Unfollow bigoted and/or flip flopping behaviors,
Unfollow everyone who is lost in their own agendas,
Follow the leader,
Follow dignity,
Follow respect,
Follow acceptance,
Follow mutations,
Follow differences,
Follow your mind wandering into space,
Follow your thoughts brainstorming something awesome,
Follow your creations to invent,
Follow your artistic foundation to explore your intuition for yourself and others,
Follow your love for people and create social justice,
Follow your passion for activism to close down and reform society,
Follow your dreams and everything will happen,
Follow your favorite team in sports even though they may be the underdog,
The leader means nothing,
The leader is nothing,
The leader is a cult,
The leader is not real,
The leader is the overachiever,
The leader is not a role model,
The leader thinks they are an inspiration when inspiration does not exist,
The leader is non-motivational,
We need a team,
We need community support in helping one another,
We need our families,
We need our friends,
We need non-conformity to what society does not say,
because society really does not know what living is.
We have growing pains with leaders,
We have false hope with leaders,
We have nothing when we follow a leader,
Unfollow your wishes,
Follow your self,
Follow your instincts,
and most importantly follow the underdog
who can bring about change.

A poem called “Don’t Limit me, but Accepting my Limits”

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Don’t Limit me, but Accepting my limits,

by theamazinJ

Limits exist,
no matter what you may say,
when one person walks another may crawl,
we all have limits
as do numbers, energy, and the universe beyond,
no one or thing is immune to being limitless
even when the limit may still be going
it can reach an all time low
to even reaching the highest matter it can reach,
limits exist, plain and simple.
I have limits
even though it may seem
like I choose to think I don’t sometimes,
but choosing that is choosing to fool oneself.
Choosing to know your limits
is like choosing the wisest energy
you can possibly think for yourself.
I know what I can do,
though I need to also know
what my limitations are too.
I know I can only focus:
one task a time or my energy suffers greatly,
though, my energy suffers on the one task
no matter what in being able to do another task
the same day depending on how much I focused
to do the most perfect job on the previous task.
Yet, what is a perfect job?
What is perfect?
I need to remember:
I am imperfect because I am Human.
I have limits because I am Human.
I have to use my energy wisely
because I am Human.
I know I cannot do it all,
I know I cannot do it all in one day,
I know I have to focus on the right things
to do the best job on the most important.
Which means this:
If I clean my living space,
I know it does not have to be perfect.
If I cook or bake,
I know it just have to keep me fed.
If I do my laundry,
I know at the end of the laundry,
It just has to be folded yet not perfect,
If I break something, it is not the end of the world
especially when I am known to break something I use,
If I communicate with another person,
I know that I can make or break a relationship
depending on how much I speak,
If I use my money too much,
I know I will run out and be broke,
If I run out of gas in my car,
I know I won’t be able to move myself
from point A to point B fast enough
because I will have to walk or run or rest in between,
I know if I climb up on indoor rocks,
that if I run out of energy,
I need use the ropes to jump down.
I know if I use one muscle group too much
when working out,
I won’t be able to use my body or mind
until I am rested up enough.
I know if I work too many hours in one day at a job,
I will be too exhausted and need to rest up
for the next day,
I know I need to focus on things that will help me
both with my career and activism, and everything else in between.
I know if I use other people to communicate with too much,
I will either want to end the relationship myself
or
Other people will want to end the relationship with me
regardless of having relationships,
then I will be lonely for awhile,
until I find new relationships.
I know I may sometimes want more in a relationship
than someone else may want or what I am capable of
in pursuing the relationships,
and that is OK.
I have limits because I am Human.
I have limits because I am IMPERFECT.
I cannot do everything all at once.
I have limits because my energy goes up and down
depending on how I use my energy in a single day.
I have limits with my speech in talking with other people
especially when I begin to start raising my voice and yelling,
and need to know my limits with speech.
I know I can type to speak when I know my limits with speech are
nearing to the limit, and others need to respect that.
I know I can tell others that I need a break from communicating
with speech or typing to conserve my energy
for other more important things
and that I do not need approval,
just acceptance of this limit.
I know I have limits with what I can control,
and need to accept this,
but also others need to accept that
they cannot control me either.
I just need support
and support is:
listening to my limits,
accepting what I tell people are my limits,
communicating with everyone what I need support with,
and letting everyone know when I need support,
I need to know I am perfect with just who I am,
with the mind and body that I was born with,
with the things I can do with my body,
and the many things I can do with my mind
to enhance my spirit of my soul,
I am being who I am regardless of what others think,
I am Autistic because I am different than
what many people in the status quo think they can do,
I know my limits even though many
may say “you can do anything all the time”
which is true,
but, as a community as a human culture,
we all are imperfect
and
have limits in everything we do,
with everything we say through speech,
with everything we type,
with everything we work on
and, with every activity we want to do
for period of time before we know
we need to do it another time
or put off to the next day.
This does not mean:
We cannot do anything, cannot control our life, and cannot speak for ourselves,
It just means:
Know thy self,
Know the people around you,
know your limits,
know when you need to rest up to do it again,
and, know what talents you want to work on
at the moment you want to work on them
to use the energy for that talent, activity, or use of speech.
Remember:
we are human
we rest because we are human
we can do many things with our mind and body
because we are human,
and, we need sleep every day
for at least 8 hours a day,
because we are human,
We are thou and we are human.

Accepting Changes in Our Life can be HARD, Let’s do it anyway!

I know that just because someone may be a very conservative or liberal or moderate, does not mean we can not have good communication with them. It really makes life more fun and interesting when we can talk to anyone regardless of how they are and differences they believe in. That’s part of neurodiversity. That’s acceptance and that’s a part of life. We need to accept everyone, everyone’s belief systems, everyone’s identities they have and what they choose for themselves, and accepting everyone’s self-determination of how they want to live their life.

It’s okay for someone to believe in the social model or the medical model, however, we can not tell a person how to live their life since that is not satisfying the requirements of being an individual. Individuality is important as we can not judge any one who decides on either model, on a particular identity, and/or a particular way they choose to live. We can not get angry, we can not get defensive, and we can not say we can not talk to any one who does not agree with us. We have to talk to people, because that is what neurodiversity is all about.

Neurodiversity activists and organizations are not really being very good activists as well as organizations like medical charity researchers and activists too who are also not being open with each other either. However, we all have to engage with each other without being stubborn, without being too hurtful, without being damned if we do or damned if we don’t, and carry on the wayward road moving forward. We need breakthrough with communication barriers that’s been going on for centuries even milleniums.

It does not matter if we disagree or agree. It does not matter if we agree or disagree with our President, agree or disagree with different philosophies or not, and even agree or disagree with the government we belong to or not. We have a government because that is what Americans (and humanity wanted all along) wanted back in 1700’s, so we need to accept that and move on as I hear how so many people seem distracted from their own belief systems and opinions. Our government is not perfect, but no one, thing, or situation is perfect either.

We live in an imperfect world with imperfect people in our community which means we can not escape the interactions with people or situations every moment of every day. We can only thrive at using our communications as going with the flow without trying to be perfect. It overwhelms us to pretend perfectionism exists, but the more we stop trying the more we become perfect. Though, as I said perfectionism does not exist, it exists once we forget that it does exist. Remember nothing is impossible, we all are possible all the time.

While let alone, we can not escape stigmas, stereotypes, and the way other people think too as I talk to someone in the community about this who feels the same way. Sarcasm is hard for many to deal with especially myself who is Autistic, however, sarcasm is something that is supposed to be humor, sometimes dark, sometimes light, but sarcasm indeed. It’s okay not to get or be attuned with sarcasm right away because not everyone understands it. Although sarcasm is just a way of life for some people and part of neurodiversity too.

Neurodiversity is also partly that some people are developmentally delayed in various different ways. Some people don’t go through the different stages of adolescence at the same time as everyone else is supposed to from the way mainstream culture says so. However, we need to realize that everyone is different, everyone is able, and everyone can do whatever it takes to live their life constructively. By living constructively, no one can feel pitied, put down, hurt, stigmatized, stereotyped, and/or feel pain from others.

Neurodiversity can flourish by not allowing ourselves to do this to other people and be open to other people’s perspectives. No one can do things on their own because everyone needs a group to do it together. No organization is perfect either that helps Disabled people in the whole broader disability community including in Autistic culture to help Autistic people. However, we all need to learn together and encourage each other to love every one of our good points so we can cancel out the negatives of everyone we meet. This is how neurodiversity can flourish. So, accept changes and be the community of sharing and caring. Be a good role model for others and others will do good for you.

_____________________________________________

Please like and share Autistic Community for Equality Facebook page as this is an initiative that can further grow acceptance, forgiveness, and being less judgmental among each other in the world. The initiative is in it’s infant stage, but we can thrive a lot more as it becomes a bigger part of humanity and the rest of the world. Animals help us thrive too, and we need to realize that we can’t define any one as a friend or an enemy as the people that we are, are constantly learning and building our own way of life. We can not hate, we can only love the incredible people in our communities.

Please check out this website too, AASPIRE (Academic Autistic Spectrum Partnership In Research and Education) which medical charity organizations can learn from as they continue move forward too.

Thank you and please understand the things we all need to do to be an community sharing, loving, and caring for one another. So, reach out and talk to any one you want to talk to. Don’t worry about disagreeing, don’t be stubborn, and think about how we can all be strong together as part of the Animal Kingdom subset called being Human. Everyone needs to open the door toward our successful communications with each other, besides communications is key.

Listen to this song Des’ree “You Gotta Be”:

“You Gotta Be” by Des’ree

Listen as your day unfolds, challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears, stand up and be counted
Don’t be ashamed to cry

You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Herald what your mother said
Reading the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view, my oh my, heh, hey

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Don’t ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can’t stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can’t stop it, if you try to
This time it’s danger staring you in the face

Remember, listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears, my oh my heh, hey, hey

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day


OUT, J

The Importance of living a Self-Determined Life

Self-determined language is very important for any one to know that any one can identify themselves the way any one feels comfortable with. Self-determination is also a way to be involved with our own life, our own feelings, our own conversations about us, and not involved with anything any one influences us about.

Emotional abuse can hurt a lot when people turn to us when saying or referring to our way of being as if we are not even human or we need to take medications to pass for a particular specific person’s individuality. This does not allow us to be our own individualistic self. Though, sometimes some people need to take medications regardless because of the ableism or emotional abuses affected by the way life immensely becomes too overwhelming. When this happens, any of us can become very anxious and seem disturbed since we are seen as being out of control. However, society creates this in individuals from the standards of a general normal that they want everyone to pass as.

We need to just live our life through the way of who we are, what we individually believe about who we are, and what we feel about our own life. This allows us to know that our life is what we want self-determinedly.

What we feel and what we do, is only a part of our being. When we move forward, we bring on not only what we want in our present situation, we bring on the past life we have lived too as a continuous spectrum of time and diversity in the human race.

We need to Remember our mission through what we are here for by what we can do for ourselves. The community needs to always remember the identities we all want for ourselves individually as part of self determination.

As an Autistic who also is very different from the general mainstream norm, society needs to understand that individuals are really individualistic as part of what makes us a part of the human race. The human race is exceptionally individualistic which is so diverse, so unique, so simple yet complex, so continuous though building on each other like legos, and everyone really is a spectrum of who everyone really can be. As an individual person, if we meet one human being we’ve have only met one human being.

While any one lives on this planet today, we can all think it’s hell or heaven depending on our experiences with our feelings while being involved with family, friends, and the broader world community. It depends on the feelings now that we feel before our body becomes too old; thinking of negative or positive feelings that determines our destiny. That’s what makes up heaven!

Everyone has their own spirit and their own feelings for our own space (or boundaries) to protect our own self of how we were first created in the world. This way, no one could ever feel like they can barge through who we are and our identity. The many things we built up for ourselves, makes up our own life in the world that we want to contribute to, to become the person we are destined to become.

Sometimes it takes a long time (as it did for me and for others) to think about the things we are destined for as we become way too influenced in our life to think of ourselves. Humanity is beautiful. It does not have to be too stressful, anxiety provoking, or even a way to pass for someone else’s normal. It’s who we are, what we want, and how we want to live it.

Self-determination is what builds our life now for even the future of our own
self-determination. It’s our own choice and no one else’s. We decide through our own spirituality of what makes us human, but ultimately what makes us a part of the universe.

If we make or give good, we get or receive good back!

Let’s make it a good life 😄

Love to my family, friends, and the broader world communities,


TheamazinJ