I went to heaven.
I went home.
I came back.
I went home.
I left the hill.
I walked the plank.
I swam in the ocean.
I climbed the highest cliff.
I walked across on the bridge to the next cliff.
I flew with my wings.
I flew to the ground.
I dropped my wings.
I started walking.
I walked over the bounty.
I crawled onto the ground.
I sprawled my body spreading myself on the grass.
I sent over my gold.
I received my award.
I journeyed through the heavens.
I spent my ferocious volume expending my knowledge.
I guru’d my life.
I leapt through thou.
Thou created me.
I created thou.
I am Thou.
I am heaven.
I am hell.
I am darkness.
I am light.
Up, down, up, down.
You lift yourself.
I am lift me.
I expend the journey of death
to live life into my head,
into my brain, into my mind,
into my heart bleeding before you.
I spill myself to you.
My richness into the light,
my goals of the spot.
My spot going good,
depleting the bad.
Spilling my guts.
OMG OMG OMG,
I am dead, no, I AM ALIVE.
My liveliness is a journey.
the pill is pain,
the passing to be something different is hard.
the passing to be me is easy.
the passing to be disabled,
the passing to be non-disabled,
the passing to be neurotypical,
the passing to be the original neurodivergent self I am,
passing into the slides of pane healing the pain.
Life constitutes life.
Death hardens death.
Death is a social construction.
Life is continuous.
Continuous life while crossing the curtain,
while crossing over to the other side.
The other side that is unknown,
that is scary, and that is life.
Life is scary, but we need to jump at it.
Life is scary, but we need to focus on what we want,
not what others want, but really what we want individually.
The tyrant or the martyr or just the person that we are.
I love you. I love you so much. I love you with all my might.
My mighty love is great, it is extensive.
extensive to be smart, to show our intelligence, to brighten up with our creative nature.
Making artistic expression, making creative continuity, filming our life’s journey
into the separate waves of the world.
I love you, can you love the world you’re in?
I love you, can you turn your hate into love?
I love you, can you turn your naive, ignorant, and lies into truth?
I Love YOU, so I want to see you in my heart, in my dreams, and in my reality,
because, I love you, I love all of you, and I love every piece of everyone.
Spend time in your heart to love
when life can go from low to high in a blink of an eye,
essentially cause of how much you show love
and how much you gain from love.
Spread love to spread life until we cross over into the depths of more life.
A Different Normal, A Normal different me, Different Kinds of Relationships,
Thinking of me, think of you,
Thinking of you, me,
Thinking of what ‘special needs’ that really aren’t special because they are just our needs,
thinking like you think I can do things that are very hard for me,
and thinking you think I can’t do things that are easy for me,
I have a lot of energy, but I am disabled.
I am able, yes, but I am also disabled.
Disability is part of the human experience and everyone needs to embrace their life and love everyone every day regardless
because at any point, life can be over, or we can become disabled or more disabled even…
I can become more disabled any day like you can become disabled at any time.
and you will still see and think I can do things all the time even though I am disabled.
Normal is different, normal is fake, normal is unreal,
I am disabled, and pushed to the brink of my energy, my time, and my limits,
even when my spoons are low or my lifely body portrays you to think of what you think,
You tell me to use my spoons wisely, so as not to burnout,
you tell me to work on things of what you want me to work on,
when I am who I am, even with what I can do and can’t do all the time,
even with being able to do anything at any time I am able to do it,
I can’t do anything everything everyday, but I can do anything at my time.
I noticed I do things when my feeling to do the thing
I want to do is when I have the spoons to do it
and decide to focus on that thing I want to perfect or just want to do or just need something to do to feel good,
Disability is a thing, it exists, and we have to accept
the things we do, things we don’t do, and things we have the spoons for to do the thing we are doing,
I am different, yes, and most importantly, I am disabled and able,
I able to do things on my time, when I am ready, and when I have ambition, and when I have determination to do it,
My normal is different from you, different to you, and very potent to my life,
I can do, I do need support, but I don’t need you to tell me or what you think I can and can’t do,
What is support,
Support is different because support is helping someone like me achieve self-determination of what I want to do, of what I need to do, when I am ready to do it,
Support is giving me the time to live on my own in my own living area with my own things and seeing you when we have time for each other,
Support is giving me the opportunity to do what I want and what I choose for myself and supporting me while doing it,
even when I am writing something on my own, even when I am doing art, even when I am creating film, even when I am reading on my own, or even when I just need space,
Support is giving not what you think, it is not giving me love when you think you want to give it, but reading me well enough to know when I want it,
Support is giving you love when I feel you want it,
Support is not telling me rather just giving me the opportunity to talk about certain things that are hard for me to talk about,
Support is not telling me, and thinking I just don’t know and am told, and support is being included in conversations about me,
Support is great when I am supported and not told, supported and loved, supported and can talk to you about things that are hard for me to make it easier,
support is when my anxiety is eased because I don’t feel pressured, I don’t feel told, and I am feeling in control,
I love my support regardless who you are,
I need support in certain areas just the way anyone else needs support in those areas, so just give me a chance to tell you what support I need and when I need it,
and I will listen and know when and who can support at the time,
so please understand what support really is.
Support when I need you,
Being told is not a good feeling, being told makes me feel out of control, being told I can’t connect with everyone is limiting me, being told is being out of control,
I need your support and finally understanding,
I need your support so that I don’t walk away in pain when I feel you don’t understand and am low on spoonful energy, and need time to reconvene myself to you, or even when I feel hurt,
even when you don’t understand why I am walking away even for a day or even sometimes longer than that,
It does not mean I don’t love you, and it does not mean I don’t care, it just means I need time because of the way you approach me or the way you understand things about me makes me cringe,
I need your support so that you know the love we give to each other when we all need love,
I need your support.
I know I left you at times, some longer than others, but I need your support, not your telling me, and not your ridiculing me, with easing on sarcasm, and definitely not your abrading me as if I feel like a nothing,
I am a person too even though I am disabled, even with being autistic, or even with my anxiety, or even with my sensory system, or even with my way of understanding the world,
or even with my way of feeling for you,
because I love you, I love all of you,
I love the way everyone loves me.
I am grateful for the love for me.
Support is when my life is not empty, and I have someone to go to talk with about something may be hard to handle at the moment
ultimately giving me the power to make my decision as the decision maker in my life.
I have services that give me my support workers, that give me my broker, that give me an agency too, that give me someone looking over my money I get for my services,
but that does not mean I need to be told, I just have a team of whoever wants to support me any time I need it and give me the time.
I love you, I love everyone because I am loved by all, loved by everyone.
I left you for a reason that left me needing my space away to have enough spoons to deal with you and think about ways you can better support me,
I needed this because you seemed to not understand, you seemed to think you knew everything even without listening to my thoughts, my opinions, my ideas, my creativeness,
and my learning about history and knowing how I feel and what I believe to make the world a better place,
You may not understand how I want to make a better place, you may not understand my art, but I do understand and have a sense of what I want.
While I left you because I felt like everyone left me in the dust without any support without any kind of things I owned before and needed to go back to the family who I needed space from at the time I walked away with you who tried to help me at the time
so I can get my spoonful energy back and reconvene myself to the world,
I know I hurt many people, I know I hurt by not talking that much to first the family in my life, and being silent to all a way long time,
I know I triggered everyone from either leaving without letting anyone know to triggering in many other ways,
when it comes to triggers, we can love and be loved, but there needs to be communication in every relationship especially when communication gives and creates agreements of supported decision making within those relationships I choose to have agreements with,
between me and the people I choose in my life for support and what kinds of things I need for support even as a disabled person with being autistic.
Having support from people means my anxiety is low, means I am in control of what I want regardless, and means everyone understands me, and understands what makes me tick and what doesn’t.
And with that being said, even with bleeding love coming from our veins, it just pushes us closer to the support we all need in our lives.
I hope you understand,
I hope you know I love you,
I hope you know what support really is.
And, most importantly, I hope you know how much I love…
Are we mad?
Are we crying?
Are we angry?
Madness is real,
Happiness is seriously experienced.
It’s Ok to be crying,
It’s Ok to be angry,
It’s Ok to laugh and enjoy,
Feelings are real,
but how much is too much,
how much feelings can we really express,
feelings hurt, feelings show hurt,
feelings can be happy,
feelings can be funny,
feelings can go too far
feelings can not express that much,
feelings are emotional,
everywhere we go,
everywhere we see things,
we express our emotions through feelings,
Raging feelings from everywhere,
raging these things sometimes extremely,
sometimes not so much,
but, is it Ok to express our feelings as hurt?
Sometimes we scream to be heard,
other times we whisper to conceal,
and many times its hard to speak up clearly
what we want to express from our feelings.
Everywhere we go,
everywhere we think things through,
every time we search for what we feel,
we don’t exactly feel.
The search is over,
feelings are there through emotions,
it’s Ok to express how we feel,
no matter how we feel.
It takes guts,
it takes experience to use them,
and it even allows our feelings to ponder.
perseverating over anger,
it’s all a part of being human.
It’s okay to stay strong,
but being strong is using these feelings
using these as entitlements,
using these as part of privileges,
using these parts of ourselves
like a lion roaring in the country,
we experience everything really
we experience almost anything,
and we experience growth when we age,
for as we age,
we experience feelings like an eclipse,
an eclipse that is unpredictable in how we feel about things,
an eclipse that contributes to graphic display,
when it’s so important to feel,
even when we want to explore,
and even when we give love in the dark
to bring in the light,
while we feel,
while we enjoy the bright lights,
finally experiencing the world.
Everywhere we go,
everywhere we stay,
everywhere we live,
we need to curb our feelings
we need to let go and pick our battles,
because in the end,
there are consequences
more so than rewards,
and from those consequences is taking responsibility
remembering to use those feelings kindly
while without warning and without unpredictability,
to give those around you
the feelings you want them to have
to feel good.
a tyrant walked in the door,
they walked up to the cafe stand,
sat down on the bench,
asked for a coffee, a shot of whisky, and steak with eggs,
asking the steak be well done to martyr without the blood,
The Tyrant say “I hate blood, I drink far too often”
The Martyr taking their order says “Be right up and ready in 10 minutes”
The Tyrant spills the beans,
they become very serious as always,
the tyrant rubs his forehead in dismay,
they refute anything that comes their way.
The tyrant sits and waits,
and waits and waits and waits,
ready for something to happen.
The martyr disputes the order.
They take the conversation further,
saying to each other without each other hearing either one,
“You hurt me, You started first, NOW is the time your going to pay”
The tyrant thinks in their own mind how they will make their martyr pay
while the martyr thinks of ways their tyrant can seek revenge.
The martyr glares at the whisky, wonders about the coffee,
and thinks of something as that steak grills
while those eggs get cooked and cooked.
The tyrant fuels their anger on ways to say
how much the martyr is their beyotch.
But, the martyr is thinking something differently,
that may be the Tyrant is their lover.
A lover who cannot admit their vulnerabilities,
and instead changes the thoughts and feelings
of the martyr to think they are vulnerable to them.
The tyrant grabs their fork, gets up from their chair at the bar,
and brings the fork to the chart outside the bathroom,
throws the fork into the bullseye,
and says to themselves, “I won!”
The martyr takes their spoon
and cherishes for themselves to ease their energy
while remembering something they need to communicate.
The martyr has been abused by their tyrant.
The tyrant wants the martyr to think of their abuse to them.
No one wins anything right, but everyone wins in their own way.
Every time the tyrant and the martyr walk into the room together,
they spill themselves like this every single time
no matter what.
So, what it’s going to be?
The tyrant gets their way
or, the martyr finally gets theirs.
The martyr or the tyrant?
Is the Tyrant accusatory?
Is the martyr thinking about revenge when they shouldn’t?
Violence among each other,
violence solving issues?
Human contact is vulnerable to violence,
whether it is physical, emotional, psychological, or even spiritual.
The tyrant finally gets their steak and eggs after longer than 10 minutes,
after that finally gets their whisky,
then after that gets their coffee spilling with beans.
The tyrant asks “What are these beans for?” to the martyr.
The martyr answers “The beans are for every time you pass gas thinking about every thought you ever had”
The tyrant stands up glaring at the martyr,
“Is that a threat?”
The Martyr just says “No, it’s what happens when you eat beans that come with your eggs, see it’s on the menu”
The Tyrant says “Oh, I didn’t see that!”
The Tyrant backs down and goes about eating.
See, the tyrant thinks they knows everything, has hurt many in their lifetime, and takes away freedoms.
While, seeing how the martyr is very angry the way their freedoms were taken away by them.
The tyrant calls for action and terrible action everyday,
thinking the world is about to end without them,
while the martyr thinks the world has ended already from the Tyrant.
However, the tyrant is giddy and laughing now,
when they walk to the next table behind the bar they are sitting down on,
seeing another potential for them to abuse.
The tyrant explains they are getting up to the martyr,
when the martyr asks “What for?”
But, the Tyrant gets up, pays 5 dollars on the counter, and walks over to the other at the tables.
The Martyr says “But, that will be 20 dollars, not 5…”
The Tyrant does not care and begins walk up to the other,
when the other does not realize it or even see the Tyrant coming,
there is a huge bang suddenly heard, the lights go out, and their is scuffling,
5 minutes later, the lights go back on,
The tyrant is laying there lying on their back,
when the other suddenly gets up wondering what happened,
and the martyr gets around the counter to the table wondering the same,
while that happens,
the martyr and the other say together in whispers “Is dead? Call the ambulance.”
Then, the other says more loudly “Call the Ambulance!” to the martyr.
the martyr calls the ambulance.
the ambulance comes with the police together,
when the police says to the martyr “So, what happened?”
As the tyrant is taken by ambulance to the hospital,
the police and martyr are talking in the cafe casually
smiling back and forth from each other,
when the other is looking back at the cafe
from a half a block away
while the ambulance is loudly driving away sirens on and off and on
to the hospital for help from the doctors…
crying for help,
hurting from the pain
from everyone around
who don’t appreciate,
from everyone who
don’t understand life.
Arguing with each other,
swinging the bodies in disgust,
feeling out of control,
the starchness of who we are,
as disabled people,
as we are neurodivergent,
as we are told to pass,
as we can’t be who we are,
as everyone becomes robots,
as everyone’s movements become fixed,
and the way we communicate become stuck,
without moving in the way that we are free,
without speaking with our true voice,
and speaking, moving, and guarding ourselves
in a way society wants.
It saddens me society doesn’t understand,
it hurts me society won’t give respect
unless these things are done,
and everyone does what is necessary
to be considered intelligent,
unless everyone speaks, moves, and intellectualizes in a way
society wants it
to gain the respect we should have had all along.
Society can be funny.
the physiology can be different than the way society actually is,
the way our brains work,
the way our bodies move,
and the way our spirit is to make a difference,
everyone is here for a purpose,
everyone intellectualizes differently,
everyone has different thoughts,
everyone is here to get their voices out there,
to debate, to argue their points, and to listen
however we all listen,
we are not here to be robots,
we are not here to be clones,
and certainly we are not here to be different than who we are.
Everywhere we go, everywhere we burst into a room,
every time we open a door,
we open the door to another opening
to another meeting,
to meeting more people,
to seeing what we can see,
to hearing new things
and to meet with new partners,
eventually committing to a partner if we choose.
Sometimes we have positive thoughts,
sometimes we have negative thoughts,
and many times the positive and the negative fight together in our heads,
creating anxiety and not knowing what to do.
The power of thought helps us know
what we want to think,
whether it is positive or negative,
or just a debate in our head,
or just a voice we are struggling to hear from another person.
Sometimes we would do anything for love,
even run from hell and back,
and sometimes we actually meet people for a reason to help us at the time
who only help us grow to meet the people who stick with us for life,
while meeting people every day of our life,
speaking the moment of truth,
finding the love we need to live,
while engaging with violent outbursts in our heads
between negative and positive thoughts,
and the powerful outbursts sometimes show in the real world
while most times it just lies inside our heads,
fighting our emotions, fighting our feelings, and fighting what we want to think,
a positive thought can be overthrown easily by a negative thought
if we don’t build a wall in our mind to overthrow the negatives in our mind
because we have to remember thoughts are things
and thoughts create our reality
while thoughts fighting in our minds
become inner battles for what we want in our life,
everyone gives, everyone takes, and everyone battles,
about or but what is.
the door is always open, we just have to open every door,
we just have to be who we are,
with our neurodivergent brains,
with our disabled bodies or not disabled at the time,
and whether we choose to pass for neurotypicality
and how much we choose to be neurotypicality,
finally, it is our choice,
and from that choice,
we choose to make love or to take love,
even when its a rainy night or just clear skies,
all we have to do is make that decision and live with what we choose,
deciding the magic we want to deliver to the world,
with the love we have to give and share,
and see with our eyes the beauty we made
for the world to see and share everywhere.
All we want to do is make the love,
and open the doors wherever we see them.
What about love? What’s missing?
Open the doors!